28 Oct 2011

In twilight

filed under: journal  :: modern life  :: personal

I am not well. There's no getting around it.

I am not well, physically or mentally, though I am relieved that I am a bit better mentally. I have, in the past, felt far worse on that front, so I can tell the difference.

The physical part is another story. My body is letting me down, and I am very annoyed at it.

The pain and discomfort are concentrated in my abdomen, which is a very inconvenenient place in which to have pain. I do not have the pain all the time, thankfully. It comes and goes. I have a constant numbness in my right thigh, for which I have no explanation.

Lately, I have been waking up in a start with my heart pounding, my pulse racing for no reason, as if I'd been running a 100 meter dash. It is a scary thing to be woken up like that, by ones body behaving erratically. So my sleep has been fitful and short. I do not know the reason for it. It could be anxiety, about the upcoming surgery or just in general. I do not have high blood pressure. In any case, it hasn't helped with my most annoying problem of all; a constant, numbing fatigue.

It is if I am living in twilight, waiting for the fog to lift. Waiting for my body to shake itself out of its funk.

My mind used to race ahead, planning for the next adventure, the next project. It is now hitting a wall, of "what if". The doctors assure me that my illness has a high chance of recovery, that there is little to worry about. But still - what if my body will never be itself again? What if? What if?

I am not afraid of death itself. I do not quite believe in an afterlife - I tend to think that when we die, our consciousness just goes poof, the people left behind are left to deal with our leftover shells, and that's that. I have always felt, and still feel when the possibility of death is a bit higher, that if I die, I die.

I'm more afraid of having to live this twilight existence. Being trapped in my sluggish, aching body, for years and years. Of things getting dimmer, slowly, as I become more of a burden to my husband, my family. As my body drags my mind into the twilight with it.

I am mostly afraid of that.

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